Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
