Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
