new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
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