Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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