Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
