Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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