ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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