i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
