even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
how drunk are you?
Several
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
