So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
