i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i dont even know how to be here
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
