Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Randomize
