Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
