I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
