A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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