I skipped work to stalk him.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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