I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
