I wish life had little blips of pornography
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
