and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
