Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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