did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
