Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
