dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
