well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
