I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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