the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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