Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
