It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
