Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
