just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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