you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
