I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
