And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
