hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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