My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
