I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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