my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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