My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
