Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
