u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
