When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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