I hate your face
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
