I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
