...so i touched it.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
