Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
