I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
