Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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