You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
