You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
