You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
