I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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