i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You smell like stripper and shame
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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