Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
