So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
