chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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