I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
