If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
