i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
i think my cat just said my name.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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