my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
