Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
