Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
you had me at cake vodka
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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