The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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