did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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